I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I am midnight drunk by noon
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
