get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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