tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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