I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
