Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
