I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
