PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
