we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
