nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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