I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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