Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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