She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
