Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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