k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We had to coat check the pizza.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
