my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
