why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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