I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
