It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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