just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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