Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
