Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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