Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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