After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
