this beer tastes like vomit already
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
