i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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