would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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