I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
