i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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