when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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