i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
