If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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