have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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