Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
