I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
