You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
