Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
