you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
