WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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