Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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