Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
