3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
