When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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