I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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