Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
