96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
