She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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