Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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