She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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