u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Randomize
