Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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